Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
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Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Wait a second…
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.