@yonewt: Needing to "loose" some weight this year isn't your biggest problem, my friend.
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@AbbyHasIssues: Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
@juliussharpe: The NSA has been tracking phone records for Verizon customers. They skipped AT&T because those people can't complete calls.
@MadamBetteNoire: Has anyone seen my jacket? It's white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
@biscuitahoy: When you look at Twitter's trending topics, it's a lot easier to understand why they have to write "Do Not Eat" on silica gel packets.