My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
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FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that