Can’t stop laughing
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Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Thrilling chase underway
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.