Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
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Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.