if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
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son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Noah was an idiot.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.