NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
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For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.