Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
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DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”