Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
You Might Also Like
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.