Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
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“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.