I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
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Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp