Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
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i love meeting boys on tinder
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?