I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
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She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”