Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
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I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.