Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
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If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.