Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
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Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.