NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
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Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail