Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
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For those that worship cheese..
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Well, this explains it:
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Incredible customer service.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.