Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
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Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”