Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
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Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.