“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 馃檨
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Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can鈥檛 help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn鈥檛 even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It鈥檚 the only logical explanation.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
One thing they don鈥檛 tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I鈥檓 carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 馃幎if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 馃幎Hi HOOOOOO
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain鈥檛 nothing but mammals?
Me: so let鈥檚 do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner鈥檚 live laugh love decals
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders