how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
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Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
bury ourselves
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I am HOWLING at this
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.