I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
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Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.