NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
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I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls