NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
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Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu