NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
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throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
this is literally a CIA plant
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda