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Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”