Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
You Might Also Like
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
(Electricians.)
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore