Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
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The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
my nickname in college
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.