[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
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CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Damn what did I do next
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.