Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
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up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
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Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare