Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
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I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.