Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
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Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam