*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
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“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.