If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
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When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁