Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
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(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Growing up was a huge mistake
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Me buying fruit and veg
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
My neck, my back, my…
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.