[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
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friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so