In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
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[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.