Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
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When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*