Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
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Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Breaking news:
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.