[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
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Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Discuss
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron