Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
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wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Ok but actually
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.