Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
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I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
just make the entire table out of coaster
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.