Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
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therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*