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me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
The booster protects against what, now?
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
My spirit animal is fried chicken
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe