NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
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if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
That’s amazing.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.