NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
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Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Never ghost your hitman.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
This is my emotional support knife.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat