Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
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*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”