Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
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me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.