[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
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In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]