Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
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Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.